I think costco should be the next president of the united states
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For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker