People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
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Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.