My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
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Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same