Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
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If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
socratic questions
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My favorite farside!!
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
#SCOTUS one-star review
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”