Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
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Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Why font matters.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts