Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
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How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower