Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.