[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
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[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Choose your fighter
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Care for your back
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave