God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
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People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
what does he know…
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
road rage
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day