Every photo I’m tagged in
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*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
This sounds bad:
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
i wish we could shoplift online
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.