*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*