I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*lint rolls you awake*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.