all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
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How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.