gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
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Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
is nasa ok
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.