I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
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Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Shoo shoo! 😂
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”