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Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.