The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
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Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping