*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
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As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.