After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
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How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people