Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
my proudest tweet
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
2022 will be better than 2021
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.