Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
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Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.