I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?