One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
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Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased