My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Need WebMD
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.