Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
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I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.