An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Love is in the air fryer.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
You’re the water to my grease fire.