A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
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Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Taco Bell, Exit 22
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I’m too immature for adultery.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Yup.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did