Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
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me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Whoa… oh I see lol
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
*pronounces patio like ratio
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.