If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go