SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]