“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
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[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.