I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
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2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
good morning
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I feel it