“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
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dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I falcon love using swear birds
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.