Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
mentally somewhere in italy
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
It’s an epidemic…
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA