Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
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Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.