*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
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Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.