PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.