Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
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Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”