Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
You Might Also Like
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward