Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
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Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?