The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
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If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!