*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
at ease…shoulder.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
After how many years should you clean your microwave?