Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
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Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Cinematography is my passion
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend