[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
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Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently