a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
You Might Also Like
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
plums roundup
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
*launders Kohls cash*
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Ok but actually
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.