Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
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If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
FINE, I WON’T.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Ok who’s got my black socks?
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them