Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
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“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Realize this:
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..