Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?