IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
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“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies