If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
You Might Also Like
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Salad is the decaf of food.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty